Dear Abby: Relationship on the rocks with man who doesn't listen

DEAR ABBY: My man of three years and I are at a crossroads. He has gone from my boyfriend, to fiance, back to boyfriend, to friend, to "I don't know what he is now." He showers me with gifts and material things, which really don't mean a lot to me. I thank him often for the things he does, and I reciprocate them.

What matters more to me are simple gestures like checking to make sure I get home safely, accepting and acknowledging my friends, acknowledging me on Mother's Day, asking how my day was, taking me out from time to time instead of always saying he doesn't want to go.

I have explained to him time and time again how I want to be treated, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I have given him chance after chance to get it right, to no avail. I am tired of this. It's like we're speaking different languages. Is it time for me to move on? -- IMPATIENT IN ALABAMA

DEAR IMPATIENT: Yes, it is. If, after three years, your man still hasn't gotten the message that material things are unimportant to you, and being treated with consideration is paramount, then it isn't GOING to happen. He isn't the man for you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old female who still lives with her dad. When I start a job search, he says things like, "You've got your bachelor's degree; you'll be fine!" or, "You're a hard worker; you've got this job in the bag!" Then my hopes are raised, only to be dashed when the rejection letters arrive, which makes me feel angry and useless.

It also doesn't help my confidence when Dad says things like, "You'll never be able to afford an apartment," or, "Best you just stay here in town and get a job." I would like to leave this town someday and actually live on my own. How do I rise above my dad's expectations of me? -- FEELING STUCK IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FEELING STUCK: It will happen as soon as you stop allowing your father's expectations -- whether positive or negative -- to affect you. Because of the economy, many people, through no fault of their own, live in multigenerational households. The impact on them has been emotional as well as financial. If you can't find a job in your ideal profession, take something that's available. Your future will work itself out as the economy improves, and while you may not have your dream job right now, the one you desire can still happen, so don't give up.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been visiting family members' graves each year for many years. In the past she placed cut flowers on the graves, but recently she has begun leaving live potted flowers. What I learned recently is, the day after a major holiday she and her friend return to the cemetery, remove them and take them home. When I asked her why, her response was, "If I don't take them, someone else will." Am I wrong to think this is odd, or is this now a common practice I am not aware of? -- UNUSUAL IN THE WEST

DEAR UNUSUAL: I checked with two cemeteries here in Los Angeles where I reside and asked if what your mother has been doing is common practice. Both said they had never heard of such a thing. Cut flowers are removed weekly from the graves after they wilt; potted plants are allowed to remain for the family to maintain when they visit.

HEALTH EMERGENCY REVEALS NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIP

DEAR ABBY: I've been dating "Karl" for five years. We live separately. I thought our relationship was pretty solid until a recent health scare. A few days ago, I had a severe allergic reaction to something I ate at dinner. When I realized how serious it was, I immediately rushed to the ER. (I had taken an antihistamine instead of calling the paramedics.)

I quickly messaged Karl that I was having a medical emergency. The doctor said these reactions can be fatal and will become increasingly worse after each reaction. Karl was working and said he couldn't leave work. He didn't make sure I got home safely or even come to the house later to check on me. When I asked him for help picking up the many meds I needed the next morning, he again said he was working. I was furious, and did it myself although I shouldn't have been driving. I know I'm emotional due to meds and trauma. Am I overreacting? -- DISAPPOINTED IN OREGON

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are NOT overreacting. You were fortunate to have made it to the emergency room because you could have died on the way. Karl's reaction to your crisis was incredibly callous. Please think very carefully about a future with this person because he isn't going to change. Start compiling a list of people you CAN depend upon should the need arise. Karl definitely isn't one. If you were counting on him to be your life partner, change your mind now because, if you don't, it could cost you your life.

DEAR ABBY: When I was a kid, I was called a "chatterbox," and it continued until my mid-30s. Somewhere I came across the saying that it's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. It made sense to me, so I shut up.

Now I'm close to retirement, and people complain that I don't talk enough! I detest social gatherings where I must make polite conversation with people I don't know. And with people I do know, I'm afraid of saying too much. Any recommendations? -- FORMER CHATTERBOX IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FORMER CHATTERBOX: Conversation isn't supposed to be a monologue; it is supposed to be a dialogue -- an exchange of information. If you find yourself dominating a conversation, pause, ask questions and listen to the answers. For those who say you don't hold up your end, consider making a list in advance of topics you consider safe (excluding sex, politics and religion) and refer to it if you feel stuck. And, if you don't know how to begin, lead off with a compliment.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a wonderful man I'll call Jesse who loves my daughter and me. However, one of my brothers seems not to be happy for me. Because of this, Jesse doesn't want to invite him to our wedding, but I'm worried about how excluding him will affect my family. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. -- MELANCHOLY IN MONTANA

DEAR MELANCHOLY: You and Jesse need to discuss this further. I don't know what your brother's reservations are concerning your fiance, but unless his presence would be disruptive, he should not be excluded. If you do what Jesse has in mind, it will cause a rift that could last for decades. Invite your brother, and it will then be up to him whether he attends.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.